After all, I want to encourage his newly emerging interest in grooming; his ability to get himself ready in the morning without our hands-on help; and above all, his self-esteem and confidence. I quickly decided that to say anything other than "thank you for brushing your hair buddy!" would be contrary to the things Bob and I are trying to develop and so I kissed him on his (fully on display) forehead and wished him a great day in school.
But here's the thing: I knew there was a pretty good chance one of Owen's friends or schoolmates would say something about his hair that would be less than complimentary. Indeed, he told me when he got off the bus that a girl in his class greeted him this morning with "oh my gosh, WHAT did you do to your hair?". I still believe letting Owen do his own "do" today was the right call; he was happy with it and after all it was only hair (and a heck of a lot of product), but there are other bigger answers I don't have yet.
If your kid does things that make them easy targets for teasing, do you step in? If your daughter acts or speaks in a manner that causes peers to call her weird, do you attempt to modify her behavior? If your son makes clothing or grooming choices that invite mean comments, do you take him shopping and dictate wardrobe options? In other words, do you take the chance while they are young to attempt to shape your offspring into a person who finds it easy to navigate the mores that our society has set and escapes teasing and/or bullying? Or do you adhere to the principal that people should and will be accepted exactly as they are and any difficulties they may face from being "different" are character building opportunities?
I don't know. I will tell you that with every bit of my heart and soul I wish our world accepted people without judgment or prejudices. Each of us should be free to talk, dress, act, LIVE, in whatever manner or style (providing, of course, that we do no harm to others) feels most true to our soul. But let's be real ... that isn't how things go, especially in the sink or swim waters of middle and high school.
Owen is a quirky kid. Bob and I have long known that and we love each and every bit of his goofy self. During his recent evaluation for ADD (that is, perhaps, another post) his teacher reported that he often exhibited strange behaviors in class. Not disruptive, or mean, or harmful; just small actions that she said she and the other kids noticed. But she also wrote that he adjusted smoothly to his new school, made friends easily, and was well liked by everyone. Owen self reported that he is happy, smart, has friends, and likes himself except for sometimes wishing his appearance was different (which, when I chatted with him about afterward, turned out to be his desire to change his hair. Ah, that hair).
Please know I am not and would never suggest trying to erase a child's personality. I always want to celebrate Owen's uniqueness; what makes each of us different is also what makes us special. Yet perhaps explaining to a kid that barking in response to a question won't help others understand them; and if people don't understand you, they might not want to get to know you. Perhaps guiding your child in that way may save him/her from a lot of pain and lonely school lunches.
And so I find myself seeking to find a balance. Trying in gentle ways to smooth Owen's transition into young adulthood while respecting his unique personality and choices. Fortifying his self-esteem by showing in my words and actions that he is loved unconditionally by us, while doing what I can to give him social tools to succeed and be happy. Sounds hard. It is hard.
Or maybe it's really as easy as taking my boy for a (slightly) better haircut, tonight, and then spending the evening together talking and laughing and cherishing him.
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