She Said Yes!

The heart is a wondrous muscle. Not only in it's ability to physically pump life through our body, but also in it's ability to heal when bruised, to carry on when hurting, to accept and try again after being broken. To be brave and open.

And because of this, we found ourselves gathering with friends and family, on the hottest day of the summer, atop Federal Hill Park last Saturday night. Gathered by a special young man, to help him show his heart completely to our Cearra.

He'd asked Bob and I for her hand in marriage several weeks prior, then created a Facebook event to share the word and invite others. Enlisting his best friend (and soon to be best man), to serve as his point person, Tim would bring Cearra to the park, sight of their first date, with the ruse of taking a stroll before meeting friends for dinner.

At the appointed time, we all spotted them coming up the hill; Tim purposely placing an arm around Cearra's shoulders to turn her focus towards Baltimore's Inner Harbor as his supporters in this romantic caper made their way across the park without being spotted by Cearra.

They embraced, sharing private words, then Tim dropped to his knee, and with words we couldn't hear but could somehow still "feel", asked Cearra to be his wife. And on his cue, we - friends and family and assorted park patrons - sang "I can't help falling in love with you"!

It was then, among the cheers and clapping, that Cearra finally turned, and seeing us all there, put her hands to her face and wept with joy and happiness. And so did we.

She looked, and she saw the faces of those who has always believed in her and supported her through dark days - me, Bob, Owen, her sister Kristine, Nana and Pop-Pop, Nanny, Todd and Maria, Missy, Dyron. She looked and saw her new family - Tim's mom and dad, brother and sister-in-law (and the best behaved baby ever, Maddie), aunts and uncles, and close friends - who stood ready to welcome her with open arms.

She looked back at Tim, and saw her dreams come true. Her bright future. And they - and we - could not be happier.

All gorgeous photos courtesy of Kristine Neeley Photography

Happy Birthday Butter!

Yes, the days are (sometimes) long, but the years are short.

Happy 9th Birthday to the guy who stole my heart with one glance. We love you so much Owen, now and forever!

Marriage Lessons from a Golden Couple and a Soggy Vacation

This year's family vacation was also a chance to celebrate my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. They decided they wanted to be surrounded by family and as many people from their wedding party as possible. So forgoing a more "glamorous" trip to Turks and Caicos, or a kid-pleasing Disney cruise, we headed once again to the mountains of Deep Creek Lake in western Maryland.

Not everything went as hoped, yet there were lessons, and things to ponder, and good times. In fact, as I reflected on the week, I found myself comparing it to marriage. Here's what I mean ...

Upon entering our rental home, we were disappointed. The floors and furniture were slightly worn, the paint needed retouching in several places, the dock was precarious, and the promised "Awesome View" was, well, not quite as envisioned.

Anyone married for a few years will probably agree that the luster of new love, the glow of a wedding ceremony and exotic honeymoon, often fade a bit through the years. A partner's faults, like chipped counters and a cloudy pool, can become consuming if that's what you focus on. To keep love alive, learn to focus on the positive traits that attracted you to your spouse early on; they are still there, like a home that provides shelter from a storm and warmth on a chilly night.

Mom and Dad splurged for a home on the lake and a boat for the week. It rained. Every. Single. Day.

Marriage isn't all sunshine and clear sailing. Some days aren't perfect; some days are downright tough. All marriages are tested by hard times and sometimes plans don't pan out. You have to keep going anyway, and take every opportunity to play in the sun when it's out. Even if it means jumping in a freezing cold lake when you get the chance.

My sister and I hired a professional photographer to take a family portrait as a gift for my parents. We planned it for a morning at the house, so that the kids would be fresh and in cooperative moods, and so that our aunts and uncles could be included. Did I mention yet the online photos of the rental house made it look like there was a spacious yard perfect for the shot? It wasn't. Remember all that rain? Yep, canceled the planned day and time. Thanks to a cooperative photographer, a brief break in the weather, and a trip to another lakeside location, we did get the pictures taken. How well they actually turned out remains to be seen - the kids weren't happy, the wind was crazy, and Aunt Cathy couldn't get down the hill as her foot is in a walking boot, but, we did it.

Another lesson in making the best of things, not giving up, and letting go of the idea of "perfect" ('cause no marriage is). Keep trying, and keep smiling. You won't get to 50 any other way.

No matter how much you love them, spending 24/7 with family has it's own challenges. People have different tastes in food, different ideas as to how to spend free time, different ways of looking at the world. My dad in particular has expectations as to what a family vacation looks like that sometimes cause friction among his adult children and sons-in-law. This year has its' share of tension. But my parents are generous, loving people who want to spend time with us. And it's important to them - and to me - that we continue to gather as a family.

Two "c" words that matter far more than cut and carat weight in a marriage: communication and compromise. Your spouse is an individual. He or she will not approach every situation as you do; will not like everything you do; will not share all of your views or agree with all of your ideas. Learn how to take a deep breath, calm down, and, to be blunt, suck it up. Occasionally put your wants aside for the greater good. Then be sure to always surround your marriage with friends and family who love you unconditionally and support you through good and bad days. Remember that the temporary spats are just that, and celebrate your common bonds.

Laugh whenever you can, act silly, go out of your comfort zone. Forgive your spouse easily, be generous, respect each other. Give your kids permission to be a little crazy; go ahead and join them.

And remember that even dark times end, and love and life sparkle again.

Old Friends are The Best

I have been friends with this beautiful lady for almost 40 years! And though we hadn't seen each other in eight, when Bea and her family pulled up to our house on Saturday I went bursting out the front door, whopping and jumping around like the kids we were when we first met.

Growing up across the street, we shared adventures big and small. She and I have hours of stories to bore our kids with - our brilliant idea to build a dance club in her shed, selling "passes" to our neighbors to allow them to drive down the street, the Army-Navy game ball, collecting old beer cans and "stray bullets", winding through Wayne in her '67 Mustang convertible, sunbathing with baby oil and tin foil. Dances and pool parties; Kickline and four-square; summer camp and late nights. I stood by her side as a bridesmaid; she did the same for me many years later (with one sweet baby born and another one the way).

So many belly laughes, so many memories. And the flip side of life too: the shocking tragedy of loosing her mom; the hard decisions and fears of adulthood. Through it all, we've supported each other, cried and consoled, given and received loving advice.

Our friendship is, and has always been, grounded in mutual respect and admiration. Her beliefs, my choices - not always the same, but always accepted with the open hearts of true friends. I adore this woman, and I will always, always have her back. She is kind, wise, exuberant and completely devoted to her amazing family.

Bea Ann Barraclough Twede - you mean the world to me and I am blessed to call you friend!

Oh lovely girls. Christmas morning at my house.

Graduation from the Big C

Fraternity dance at PSU

Always smiling

Hey, it was the 80's!

Love you Bea!

Poor Sportsmanship Part II

I hope that what I'm about to tell dismays you. If you are a parent (particularly of a young child), I hope your reaction is one of disbelief and disgust. I sincerely hope you all share the anger and disappointment I'm feeling right now ... 

Webster's defines "forfeit" as "To lose or lose the right to as a punishment for an error, offense, or crime".

Last night, after our game, the league commissioner reluctantly approached our head coach and told him that some of the remaining teams on our schedule had decided to forfeit rather than play us. You read that correctly. At least two other teams have decided to take a lose, to quit, to give up, to not permit their children to play a game they love, because, well, I guess because they figure our Diamondbacks will beat them, and, honestly ... I just don't understand in the least how they came to this decision.

What error, offense or crime have the kids on those teams (or ours) made to deserve this punishment? How are the coaches and parents going to explain to their players there's no need to put on their uniform and head to the field, because the adults have decided to forfeit?

By the way, I've watched the other teams all season. They have fun on the bench. They try their hardest. After the game they line up and perform the traditional "good game" hand slap with smiles on their faces before heading off to enjoy snacks. I'm guessing none of them felt unworthy or lacking. At least not until their coaches and parents tell them they can't play us, because they think it's better to give up. 

But what if the kids themselves have said they don't want to face the Diamondbacks again? Well, that seems like a perfect teaching moment to me.

Forfeiting is not, as the WBA mission statement reads, "using the sport of baseball as an instrument ... to help all the young players develop positive character traits and values that will aid success in the rest of their lives." 

Quitting is not "working with parents to provide a proper environment for learning the game of baseball, the WBA program also strives to assist in developing the qualities of citizenship, discipline, teamwork and physical well-being by advocating the virtues of character, courage, sportsmanship and loyalty."

Now some of you may think their decision is a little thing to get worked up over. After all, it's just a bunch of 7-8 year old kids playing baseball, and to a small degree I understand that (although I'm very sad for our boys who may be deprived of playing out the season). Yet I can't help but think how this attitude from parents is shaping the next generation. I mean, nothing says success like being a quitter, right? And certainly nothing builds those character traits quite like walking away when things don't go your way.

I believe these parents are doing a huge disservice to their kids. I shudder to think of the other life lessons that are being "taught" in their households. What life skills are these kids learning?

My sister and I were raised to never, ever quit. Not on ourselves, our family, or our team. Since we are talking sports, allow me to share this memory. We were at the 1986 Orange Bowl where my beloved Penn State football team got walloped by the Oklahoma Sooners. Hearing the cheers of the Sooner fans and knowing there was no chance of a win made me want to leave the game early. But my parents refused. They told me that you always support your team, you never give up. There were many other lessons during my childhood that reinforced the same message, illustrated by their words and actions, and I credit my upbringing - and my determination to endure many challenges throughout my adulthood - to my parent's teachings. 

I feel for the players on these teams. They have parents who don't believe in their ability to persevere. They have coaches who aren't showing them the fundamentals of success in athletics or life. I wonder to what extent their futures will be negatively impacted by that lack, and how our society will fare when these same youngsters are adults. I suppose, that in a few years, our Diamondback boys will again be leading the way, and for that at least, I'm grateful.

#Dbacks4life

We heard it again last night. We hear it a lot.

"Your team is too good". "No one wants to play the Diamondbacks". "Oh, we know all about your team". "It's not right that their players can throw out a runner from the outfield". "But they make double plays!". "Well, we have mostly 1st graders on our team". "They hit too well". "It's not fair". "They shouldn't be allowed to play together". 

I've tried to let the season-long comments roll off my back. Sure, the moms might gather briefly and blow off steam talking about it, but we put smiles on our faces in front of our players and get ready for the next game.

But you know what? I'm mad. Really disappointed. And sad.

Why is it OK for these parents to talk this way about a bunch of kids who work hard, play fair, and win? We always play by the rules, our coaching staff makes sure each player gets a chance at every position, and as a group we support the league in all of it's efforts.

We practice several times a week as a team ... throwing drills, batting practice, and outfield work for two hours or more.  When it's cold we bundle up and practice. When it's raining, we chip in and rent a batting cage. When it's misty or muggy or muddy, we don't complain - we practice. And each of these kids practice a good amount at home; some also participate in clinics or Fall Ball. They work hard to be good ball players, and they are.

As current members of the Diamondbacks, we are very lucky that at some point in our time in Little League we were each placed on a team with Sean Moran, our head coach. For us, it was Owen's second year of t-ball on the White Sox. Our league bylaws allow parents to request a certain coach up to the Minor League level, and we have all done so. The majority of players on the 2015 Diamondback team have been together for three years now. I applaud the commissioners for upholding the rules and permitting that to happen (of course, they got complaints about it).

Bob and I chose to stay with Sean because he is an excellent coach and leader. He teaches baseball fundamentals and he teaches them well. In addition, he stresses healthy competition, sportsmanship and personal responsibility - all values we teach at home too. Plus he cares for our kids as individuals; he likes them, he encourages them. Sean expects a lot from his parents and his players, and though there have been times I've grumbled when I've heard his familiar call "parents, grab your gloves and line up" during practice, I appreciate it. He works hard to be a great coach, and he is. I'm forever grateful our paths crossed.

The parents of this team are also outstanding people that I genuinely like and respect. They support all the kids and the Diamondbacks one hundred percent. They show up for each and every practice, ready to help. They drill with their kids at home. They come to games - 45 minutes early so the kids can stretch and take batting practice - and cheer for every player. They applaud good plays by the opposing team and make sure their kids do the same. I'm so thankful I've become friends with all of them and I'll cherish that always.

I was thinking of all these things last night as I tried to sleep, upset that I was allowing other parent's negative words to crowd out the happiness of another solid Diamondback win. So, here's what I'd like to say to the five mothers and fathers who wrote some of the above comments to the league commission after our game last Saturday; and to the many others who have been complaining about us from the beginning of the season:

Do you realize how hard our kids work? Have you even considered that? Hours of hitting, fielding and throwing. Our coaches teach game situations every single practice; so yes, we are going to catch pop-ups and make double plays, and throw your runners out at second and home.

Next time you want to whine about the Diamondbacks, ask yourself if you take a glove to practice, if you've manned a hitting station for an hour, if you toss your kids pop-ups over and over. If your coaches seem overwhelmed or unorganized, try to help. Almost every dad on our team does.

Your team plays us twice a season. Yep, we will most likely beat you. We are that good. We work at it and our kids have earned every single win. And, by the way, last year, when we were also undefeated, our entire team was 1st graders, two of whom had to try-out for the commissioners because they were actually younger than the age usually allowed.

Instead of putting our kids down, why don't you lift your kids up? Rather than writing a nasty email, why don't you go outside and play catch with your kid? At the Instructional Level, every hitter should be able to make contact with a soft toss pitch. If your child can't - or doesn't even know which side of the plate to stand on - whose responsibility is that?

At Saturday's game, when our players give your team a "Good Game cheer" at the end (but never get one in return), or take a knee when someone is injured, or shout encouragement to their teammates, take a look at your dugout. Do you have team moms or other parents helping the kids with batting helmets? Keeping them focused on the game? Applauding for good plays on the field?

Most importantly, how about teaching your children that the way to succeed in baseball - and life - is to work hard. That sitting around saying things are unfair doesn't change anything, and makes you a loser in more ways than one. That even if you get knocked down, you get back up and try again. Those are the lessons that will last far beyond little league baseball and ones that I'm proud our kids are learning. 

I'm a Diamondback Mom. And I'm proud of our players, our coaches, and our parents.

Happy Mothers Day 2015

A few weeks ago Owen and I were snuggling before bedtime. Having just read an article about the kinds of questions adopted kids might be pondering at his age, I decided to do a "check-in", and casually asked him if there was anything about his adoption he wanted to talk about. He thought a minute or two, and then said, "No, but I'd like to see that picture of my birth mom now" (you might want to reread here).

So I found the key and combo and opened the safe. I pulled out the familiar navy blue folder and brought it back to bed. First I showed Owen his Kazakh passport (which he thought was pretty cool and wondered if could double as a driver's license), then some of the other records we have of his birth.

"OK Mom, but where's that picture?"

I'm not going to pretend I wasn't a little nervous. I wasn't sure what other questions Owen might ask, or how I'd answer them. I wasn't even sure how I'd feel watching my baby look at his first mom's face. But it was time.

I handed him the single sheet containing a photocopy of his mother's country ID. He peered at it, turned to look at me, then gazed at it again.

"What are you thinking Owen?".

Silence.

"Hmmm. Not what I was expecting". And with that he handed the paper back to me and curled into my arms.

We talked a bit more about her. Her name, her age, the tiny village that was her home. We talked about her eyes and hair, and how Owen must look more like his bio father. We talked a little more about things that are Owen's to share - or not. He was fine, ready for sleep, my little boy. And as I exhaled and carefully tucked everything back in the safe, I renewed my silent promise to his first mom.

I will always praise her to Owen. I will make sure he knows about her, and respects her. I will always answer any question as best I can, and if the day comes that he wants to seek her out, I will help him do that. After all, having a first mother doesn't make me any less his mom.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL moms, all the world over.

Musings on What Matters

Tuesday night at Owen's baseball game. Two on, two out with one of our best hitters at bat and Owen on deck. Floating over the cheers of the spectators, the instructions of the coaches, I hear one of our players say, "Hey guys, what happens if Owen gets up with bases loaded?".

This boy is young. He may not have meant his words to sound, as they did, mocking or cruel. Owen is not one of the best hitters on the team, and everyone realizes that. Luckily I don't think Owen heard the comment, preoccupied as he was taking practice swings. If he did, he shrugged it off; he's a pretty tough kid. But my heart twisted as I looked across at the player's laughing face.

The Dali Lama said, "My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness".  Proverbs 3.3 reads "Do not let kindness and truth leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart" and Ephesians 4.32 commands "Be kind to one another". "Be kind, for whenever kindness becomes part of something, it beautifies it", wrote Mohammad. Mother Theresa had a few wise words to say about kindness too.

Being kind is my personal creed, and I'm obviously not the first (or kindest) to feel this way. It really encompasses all the good stuff  - love, respect, faith, gratitude. I hope that at the end of my life, people will remember me as kind.

Up until the snows of winter faded and cracked it, I had a magnet (a sweet gift from my friend Le Anne) on my car that read "Kindness Matters". I put it on Owen's door, and we often repeated it while loading up, and talked about how to be kind as we drove about town. Kindness - to everyone, to everything - is the biggest lesson I try to teach Owen.

Practicing kindness doesn't take money, or special talent, or hours of time. You don't have to agree with someone to be kind; you don't even have to like someone to be kind. Being kind can build a bridge between all races and religions.

For Owen, I make kindness simple: it's helping a classmate, or feeding a stray cat. It's listening to your grandparent tell a story - even if you've heard it already. Kindness is donating food or clothing to those who need it, writing thank you notes, and allowing Avery to sit next to the window on the bus (we are still working on that one). Kindness is making the choice not to say mean things about others; and being nice to the neighborhood "bully", because maybe he just needs some extra love. Kindness is trying to put a smile on someone's face.

Oh, that baseball game? Owen did get up with the bases loaded. He hit a single and drove in two runs. And his teammates were kind.

DC and Decorating

We recently had an amazing visit with LeAnne and her kids, Rhys and Elloree (her hubby Marc stayed at home in Charlotte and Bob went to Texas for a job, so it was a Girls And Young Ones weekend).

Beside the fact that Le Anne is one of my best friends, and I adore her kids, the times we all spend together mean a great deal to me. It is these times more than any other, among these friends, that Owen feels free to talk about being born in Kazakhstan, about his birth mother, about having been adopted. Thanks to Le Anne and Marc, Rhys and Elloree have a wonderful confidence about their stories, and I see some of Owen's reticence dissolve around them. It does my heart so much good to see my son being proud of the incredible miracle and blessing of his life.

So, we kicked off the festivities with a birthday cake for Le; one great thing about our age, lots of candles make for a very flattering glow!

We celebrated Valentine's Day too, with little treats and chocolate mustaches.

As their visit fell over President's Day, we decided to take the kids to DC. It was a cold, snowy day but it turned out to be a great day to visit - plenty of parking and less crowds. At one point it felt like we had the city all to ourselves as we skipped down the sidewalk, dancing in snowflakes.

All Hail to the Chief

Dreaming of being the future POTUS?
Sadly, only if the law changes

After seeing the White House, we headed to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural Science. Since it's the one in the "Night at the Museum" movie series, we thought the kids might enjoy it most.

We managed to see most of the exhibits although we absolutely could have spent more time there; in fact I could have spent a whole day just in the gem and mineral rooms.

My birthstone - perfect birthday gift

The kids had fun looking for rocks from Kaz.
Here is one of the prettier examples

The Smithsonian is such an amazing place, and it's all free! I am resolved to get into DC more and take advantage of all the history and culture we have in our backyard.

Yep, we took the city by storm!

What else did we do? Took the kids bowling, out to eat, and the trampoline park. And oh yeah, redecorated my house! Le Anne is a brilliant interior designer with an amazing sense of color and design. She owns a business in Charlotte called Halycon Hive, and I got all her talents for free!!

Her specialty is working with furnishings and collectibles her clients already own, then rearranging and adding where needed to create a space that looks as if it was pulled together over time in the most appealing way. It can be a little tough to let things you really like be put into the basement but I knew my family room wasn't great and I was thrilled to have Le Anne here to help. I discovered early on it's best to just let her do her work!

For example, on one shopping trip to Home Goods, Le Anne kept returning to a pillow she thought would work perfectly on a brown leather club chair she had pulled into the room from the living room. I wasn't so sure; in fact, I didn't the like the pillow at all. And I wasn't budging. At some point before we checked out, she just threw the pillow in one of our two carts, saying, "If you don't like it at home, just return it". At home, she plopped it on the chair ... and I loved it.

After that I just trailed behind her as she made selections (or in one instance stayed in the car with the kids while she popped into Lowe's and came out 15 minutes later with three shades and a new lamp that I adore). There were a few things we did end up returning, but 99% of what she picked worked.

These pictures aren't the greatest but you get the idea. I can't wait to finish up the family room (she's picking new curtains) and implement the plans she has for the rest of the first floor!

Before

After