This week Owen has been in camp at the local community college; a dinosaur themed session I thought he'd love. I figured the three kid free hours a day would give me time to prepare for his birthday party this weekend. Yep, waaay wrong on both counts.
Each morning he wakes with a stomachache, and spends the entire time we are getting ready and driving holding back tears, insisting he hates camp and doesn't want to go. Rather than just dropping him off as every other parent does, I have to walk with him and the rest of his camp mates to their classroom, then sit outside in the hallway, still in his sight line, until he is settled enough that I can give him the thumbs up and leave. Then I walk back to my car, battling back my own fears and worries for my anxious little man.
I spend the remaining 2 hours running from store to store for endless supplies before running home to make more "dinosaur eggs" or wrap soap bars for the home-made birthday party favors that seemed like a fantastic idea three weeks back but have now turned into the craft project from hell. I think I'm still missing an ingredient or two for the French Toast Casserole and Spinach Quiche I'm making for a family brunch on Saturday morning. And if the cute dino themed treat boxes I ordered don't arrive today, well, ...
But I know that stuff will work out; my emotions are more fragile this week for other reasons. Dennis and Owen share a birthday. Last year this was a happy, fun coincidence. This year, with Dennis still in a minimally-conscious state and my heart torn in two with worry about Cearra - how she is doing, how she will handle that day, the hurt being inflicted on her by Dennis' mother, Dennis' future - I'm a huge messy lump of tears.
Then there's the fact that I always find myself in a bittersweet mood around Owen's birthday. Part of it is the familiar-to-every-parent reminder that time is going so fast. But for me, this day is also the time I most sharply feel the pain of not being present for Owen's birth and for the first six months of his life. It hurts. And I think of his birth mom; I know she must be thinking of him, I know this day above all others must be so hard for her. That hurts too.
It's time to jump back in the car and go pick up Owen. I have to make sure I am not even one minute late. If you have time to spare, could you send some positive thoughts and prayers my way today? For me to remember to always count every blessing, to have patience, to realize not everything has to be perfect and that a bunch of 7 year olds will be thrilled with ice cream sundaes and misshapen dinosaur eggs. And could you please add Owen's birth mom; for peace and comfort. And as always, for Cearra; for everything.
Thanks friends.
2 comments:
Dearest Jodi,
Sending love and admiration to you for the person you are...a kind, compassionate, talented, woman. One who is admired and respected by all who know you. A woman who only wants the best for the people she loves. Please know that you are the best...
Much love to you and I know without a doubt that all will be well.
pam
Jodi,
I am a little late getting this, and I'm sure you passed everything that was thrown at you last week with flying colors! Mom always said "This too shall pass" but it's hard to realize it when you are in the thick of it. Some of my hardest times as a mom was when my littlest got clingy and refused to go into preschool or was upset about going to kindergarten. You feel like the other moms and teachers are staring and judging and there's so much emotion because of that and everything else that is going on. Worst of all you wonder if you are doing the right thing no matter if you make them go or let them off the hook. But regardless of how you handle it, the kids get over it, and you get over it, and then everything is fine. We missed an entire week of vacation bible school one year cause I had no fight left in me. I don't think she's worse off for missing it.
As for kid parties, that gets better too! This year, my oldest, who has a driver's license (!), took my money and my 11-year-old and they shopped for party favors while I stayed home! It was a revelation! And they did wonderfully and stayed within budget. Sadly, the kids won't remember half the things you do for them, but just do your best and forget the rest!
You are a wonderful woman and mom and I admire you for handling everything with strength and grace. I pray for Dennis and Cearra every day and hope that things get better soon for all of you. ~Deanna
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