We received a referral in September 2006 for a baby boy named "K". We viewed his video over and over, we poured over his medical, we talked a lot. Other adoptive parents in our Yahoo group had shared their feelings of "knowing right away that this was their child" and of "falling in love at first sight" upon receipt of their referral. And although we had a few reservations - a feeling that something wasn't quite right - we told our agency we would accept his referral and we got ready to go.
I remember being strangely subdued for the next few weeks. When we finally arrived in Almaty, and then Kokshetau, it bothered me that I wasn't feeling the level of excitement I thought I should. But I'm largely a logical person (Bob is the sentimental romantic!) and I told myself it was entirely rational not to instantly love a child you've never met and that "the feeling" would come in time.
We visited "K" three times, and for three long sleepless nights I sat in the deep windowsill at our hotel and stared at the cold, bleak streets. Why wasn't I feeling awash in love? What was wrong? Where was my maternal instinct; was this really meant to be my child? Bob reminded me to give it time, but we were both feeling lost.
The fourth morning we received a call from the in country facilitators (the Sisters). Their message was brief and succinct - for reasons that were never fully explained to us, "K" was no longer available for adoption. We now had three choices: return home and wait for another referral; try traveling to another region to select a child, which could add weeks to our trip and held no guarantees; or, we could visit the children's hospital one more time to see the babies that might be available for adoption in a few months.
Again we cried, we talked. I questioned if God wanted me to have a child. I sobbed, and then I raged. After all we had been through, how was this happening? I couldn't imagine going home with empty arms, I couldn't imagine going home to an empty nursery. I didn't know if I could put my heart on the line again by going to see the babies - no one had promised that one of them would eventually be ours. But finally we reached our decision ... we told the sisters we'd go back to the hospital.
The next morning Oleg picked us up; both he and Rada were now subdued and sad, they had heard the story. We were met by Dr's. Victoria and Natalia and led into a new room, one crowded with cribs. I looked nervously at the first crib, and laying inside, I saw our son.
I knew at once. I knew without a doubt. As soon as I was able I picked him up and gazed into his huge, trusting eyes. I proclaimed over and over again, "I love him". The other babies were cute and healthy and happy, but I had my son and I was scared to let him go. Once when Dr. Victoria was holding him I even asked for him back. I prayed that the doctors would understand my few Russian words and see in my heart how much I needed this child. Finally, Rada looked at us and said "so, which one?". It was the first time Bob and I actually had hope we'd be allowed to have a say ... and within seconds we told them "this one!!!". For the first time in days I began to have joy again.
Dr. Natalia told us a bit more about the baby and kindly allowed us to take a few pictures, and then we had to put him back in his crib and walk away. I promised him as I laid him down that we'd be back and I told him I loved him.
In Kazakhstan, referrals like the one we received for "K" are not officially recognized; our agency WPA (and several other "big" ones) do offer referrals with the caveat that the child is not officially yours to begin the adoption process until you arrive in country and start visitation. In many cases however, adoptive parents do what we just in effect had done ... travel to the hospital or baby house, have the opportunity to see a few children, then begin visitation with the one they feel is their child.
The catch was that our son was only 4 months old and would not be officially available for adoption until he was at least 6 months old. Would someone else see him before we could return; would his birth mother or member of her family come for him? We had no promises, just a little faith and trust in Dr. Natalia. The next few months were filled with anxiousness and prayer. Finally, on January 24th we returned to Kokshetau and Owen and the rest of the story began.
We eventually met the parents of the two other babies we saw that day. They too were perfect matches ... one looked amazingly like his big sister waiting at home, and the other was exactly what his parents had long hoped and dreamed of.
We still think about "K". I pray his family has found him, because I know there is a Mom and Dad meant for him. I realize now that my God had the perfect plan all along. He didn't want us to question our decision, or if Owen was truly meant to be our son. He wanted us to have that deep joy in knowing in a way that defies logic and words and reason. I am so very thankful and will never forget the day we first met our son ... November 11, 2006.
