I recently had the misfortune to stumble across an online forum dedicated to "snarking" on (primarily) Fundamentalist Christian families and their beliefs. The participants in this forum claim they monitor "fundy" blogs in order to stay up to date on hate groups and ensure the children in such families are safe, but from what I've read they mainly seem to enjoy insulting, bullying, gossiping and cruelly commenting on other's lives.
It all seemed petty and flat-out mean spirited to me, and I was getting pretty disgusted with this group as I read certain comments. Then I came to this one:
"Personally, I'd rather abort a kid than give them up for adoption".
and this one:
"Sorry - adoption for any other reason than abuse or neglect - is a tragedy. Babies shouldn't be separated from their mothers because of something like money, or lack of social support."
Yeah, it makes me a little sick just to retype those.
Obviously I'm emotionally and personally biased on this topic, but these people have my blood boiling. I am not going to dignify them by responding on their forum, but I need to vent.
I can agree that in a perfect world, there wouldn't be adoption or abortion. In a perfect world, there would be no unplanned pregnancies, economic limitations, unsuitable conditions, or abusive adults. In a perfect world, anyone who wanted to become a parent would be able to easily become pregnant and give birth to a child without intrusive medical intervention.
But it's not a perfect world.
Make no mistake, I am acutely aware that adoption is always accompanied by loss. By placing her baby for adoption, Owen's birth mother lost the opportunity to raise him. By being adopted by us, Owen lost the opportunity to grow up in the country of his birth and to be raised by his biological family. Despite my complete happiness in being Owen's mom, those losses hurt my heart, both for Owen and his birth mom.
However, I will NEVER believe that our adoption of Owen is a tragedy. To call it such is ignorant and cruel. How dare anyone determine that our family should not be? Owen - and all the children I know who were adopted - is being raised in a family that loves him unconditionally and will support him his entire life. He is being raised to feel safe and wanted and cherished.
We don't know why Owen's birth mother placed him for adoption, but I choose to believe she did so in love. I can only imagine what a difficult decision it was, and how it continues to affect her life. I don't celebrate her sacrifice, but I do celebrate her choice to give Owen life.
My greatest wish is that as he matures and comes to understand his life story (and it never crossed our mind not to be completely open and truthful with him), Owen will be able to process his feelings and be at peace with his past, present and future.
I am certain those people will continue to sit in anonymity and criticise families that they do not know. And I am even more certain that we will have greater joy as we continue to raise, love and support Owen; while thanking God each night for the privilege of parenting our son.
3 comments:
How right you are. Adoption itself is not a tragedy. It is an act of love by all involved. I become outraged when I see blogs or comments on blogs where adoptive parents are made out to be baby stealers or people preying on the misfortune of others.
I am sure there are agencies and couples who could fall in that category. Just like there are criminals who live in my little midwest city. That does not make all adoptive parents bad guys.
I am a birthmother who has dealt with much grief and feelings of loss. However, it is NOT the fault of the child's adoptive parents.
It is because I cared enough about my child to want a different circumstance for her upbringing. Yes, they have done things that have hurt my feelings, but so have my parents, my sisters, and my current boyfriend of many years. We are human and we do that. Not intentionally (usually), but we are imperfect people.
In adoption, everyone has lost something. But isn't this true of other situations?
My parents are divorced. I no longer have a simple holiday season because we all have to share time.
I am a single mother who sometimes struggles financially. My children do not have all the "things" they used to when I was married to their father.
One of my best friends died. I miss her. I can't call her anymore. I don't have her around to comfort me when I need it.
I have moved. I left an entire network of people I cared about and started over 500 miles away. That was hard.
Relationships are tough. People are imperfect. Circumstances can be beyond our control.
But it is never a tragedy when a family lovingly accepts a child (or an adult) into their fold and calls them one of them one of their own.
I adopted a mother when I was an adult. She loved me like a daughter. Our mother daughter relationship was not legally bound on paper. But when she died, I lost a mother. And her biological daughter told me she knew that her mom loved me like I was one of them.
Tragedy is all around us. Poverty, bad choices, abuse and neglect. But building a family in spite of these circumstances is the beauty that can come from tragedy.
(Wow, it looks like I could use a diet coke! )
Thank you for loving Owen and bringing him into your family.
LisaAnne,
Thank you so much for your honest and moving comment. Your words touched my heart. I knew my adoptive parents friends would agree with my thoughts; it is good to hear from a birth mother.
I think you write beautifully and you share so many truths. I am sorry for your losses, especially for the pain that comes from choosing adoption for your daughter. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and for all birth mothers who choose the ultimate unselfish act.
May God bless you and your family,
Jodi
You know I'm right there with you. Ignorant people who make comments on things (such as adoption), who don't understand it (don't know anyone who has adopted), aren't worth yours/mine battle. We'll never change their minds. They'll never look into Owen's eyes and see the love that he has - that you and Bob have cultivated.
Yes, with adoption there is loss, but there is also so much joy that comes on the other side of it. Hopefully joy for the birth mother who hopes that her baby will have a better life. And as adoptive parents, we clearly know the joy. To really appreciate anything, there is usually a down side - a ying to the yang.
I would not say an adoptive family is a tragedy, but rather a miracle.
-S
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